New Zealand

Sunday 15th November Auckland

Welcome to today’s edition of ‘I’m a seasoned traveller –get me out of here!’ Come back Adelaide – all is forgiven! I wake up to a wet, drizzly, dull, cold day in Auckland city. I have to pinch myself till it hurts to realise I have left behind the sunshine of Sydney and have come here. Yesterday was a day of travelling with me leaving the Blue Mountains – still not ‘blue’ but at least I could see them in the morning sunlight – at 7am and driving the two hours or so to Sydney airport, drop off the car then check in. The flight was delayed a bit by lack of baggage handlers (it’s not just Heathrow),and we landed in Auckland at about 5.45pm after a three hour flight. My taxi driver was Dev’s uncle from Coronation Street – I thought he was from Mumbai? The route from the airport took me through Selly Oak and Tottenham or so it seemed as everything – the houses, cars, gardens – were quintessentially ‘English’. Not surprising really given the origins of most of New Zealand’s original European settlers. Captain Cook again I’m afraid – he was or is the man who just about explored more of the earth’s surface than anyone in history, closely followed of course by our own Richard Branson. ‘Cooky’ as those of us who know him well are allowed to call him, went to sea as a teenager and got on because he could draw maps well. He ‘discovered’ Tahiti, landed in New Zealand, then took on Australia using up a lot of flags on the way. Some of his crew were excited to be invited to dinner by a Maori tribe who then promptly told them they were on the menu! Despite that ‘Cooky’ described them as of a ‘good disposition’. It was not a long career for sailors on the ‘Endeavour’ . A voyage with ‘ Cooky’ could mean death by any number of means- drowning when the ship struck the Barrier Reef, eaten by crocodiles, sharks, polar bears and natives, all manner of diseases, terminal boredom (shore leave in Auckland). ‘Cook’s Tours’ took them to Hawaii, Americas, Alaska, the Antarctic Circle. Not many of them had any spaces in their passports for more stamps! Depending which side of the barrier you are on you will either think of James Cook as an exciting adventurer or an imperialist villain. There are statues of him all over the place – some of which are not vandalised!

Auckland! Auckland! Auckland! A city so bad they named it three times! I have had more exciting days in Skeggy and Southport out of season. I decide to take a morning walk downtown. It is Sunday. It is raining. Auckland is shut! There are 1.2 million people in the Auckland area and most of them are still in bed – or in Adelaide. My guide book struggles to find nice things to say. The CBD is described as ‘grim and generic’. I follow a two hour ‘nooks and treats’ tour that takes me through three parks. Now the book did say that the city is the ‘city of volcanoes’ – well it needs something to give it some oomph! - but it did not say that the parks are placed in the cones of the volcanoes so that you have to go up, up ,up to go down, down, down, so that you can come up, up, up again. Those magnificent men in their flying machines, they go up tiddly up up, then go down tiddly down down – only on foot! Steps again, dad! Why does it always have to be steps? I tell myself unconvincingly that I will at least be fit when I return to the UK. I look hard for the nooks and treat and don’t find them. There is a reproduction of MIchaelangelo’s statue of Moses in one of the parks rather incongruously overlooking a children’s playground. The look on his face says ‘and I have come to this!’ Other ‘highlights’ include an ex-synagogue and the ‘original’ Father Ted Irish Pub. Give me strength!

Along the harbour wall there are the usual booths selling tours of all sorts. I realise that most things seem to happen outside Auckland in the areas where I am going tomorrow. Hopefully things will improve then. I book myself on a 360 degree islands tour for the afternoon, and discover a sea baths for later – a developing theme! On the way back to the hotel am alarmed to see a giant shark eating as bus – but then on second look see it is a ‘promo’ bus for Kelly Tarlton’s Underwater World. There seem to be more Kellys of one sort or another in the Antipodes than in Ireland! It ‘sells’ itself as being ‘housed in old storm-water and sewage holding tanks’ ( ugghhh!) through which you travel on a conveyor belt, whilst the sharks, stingrays etc choose what to have off the passing menu!

Back at the hotel to collect my stuff I am not surprised to see people throwing themselves from the city’s 328metre high Sky Tower which is next to the hotel. I tell myself that they must have booked a whole week in Auckland on the advice of some unscrupulous travel agent - Thomas Cook’s maybe? Good job I am not here for more than a day. Am a little relieved to see them bounce back up into view as they are attached to a sort of bungy rope. The guide book suggests you can pay an extra $10 and the handlers will let go of the rope!

We tend to think Australia big, New Zealand small. Comparatively yes, but New Zealand is still bigger than the UK. It has only been populated for just over a thousand years, first by the Polynesian Maoris – they came from the opposite direction to the Aborigines of Australia so are very different – and then by the Europeans. The Maoris ended up being treated in much the same way as the Abos though. They had no metals and no written language, but neither did they have alcohol, drugs, or European diseases. The Dutch did pop in around 1642 but as there were no drugs went off again quite quickly. (Allegedly – Ed.) The leader Abel Tasman (see Australia) did leave behind a name – Nieuw Zeeland after the province in Holland from which he came. A hundred or so years later the British turned up, and that was that. The French did pop in but as there were no cafes and vineyards they went off in a huff. At first we were nice to the Maoris but in the end greed takes over and we have to ‘let em have it’ so to speak. We did come up with a rather ingenious method though. We gave muskets to one side in a tribal war and they happily bumped off their rivals. We then gave muskets to the other side and they reciprocated. Can’t trust these natives you know. They will kill a friend soon as look at them! By 1840 when New Zealand officially became a British colony Maori numbers had been reduced by about 20%. There were some pretty stiff clashes over the years much like those between the US and the Sioux Indians, but force of numbers and equipment meant that the settlers would always come out on top. Nowadays they seem to have had a better deal than the Aborigines, and are an integral part of society. But racism still exists (see Singapore).

I decide to give the town another go and go for a 360 degree trip round the harbour. The boat is packed – there are six of us on it, and two of those are re-runs who missed a bit in the morning. It drizzles for about 50% of the time and is blowing a gale the rest. Our ‘guide’ is South African who is reading a script he clearly doesn’t understand. Weitamata Harbour ( maori for ‘is something bothering you?’) is choppy and big and amazingly full of water! We pass exciting things like a ferry being put into dry dock, some fishermen being sick in the swell, and an extinct volcano. Most exciting is the ‘dormant’ volcano Rangitoto ( Maori for ‘bleeding skies’ as in ‘I am trying to sleep and those bleeding skies over that volcano keep lighting up’) , and a wind surfer who takes off in a huge gust and plunges headfirst into the sea! He was ok. We pass golden beaches that are only golden because they ship barge-loads of yellow sand from the South Island or so the New Zealand lady sitting opposite tells me. She is from the South so clearly there is a North-South thing going on here. I have a headache and think of throwing the New Zealand lady overboard just to make something exciting happen. One of the islands did cause raised eyebrows though. New Zealand is very hot on ‘bio-security’. I did smuggle Rodent in at great personal risk, but they got my apples and oranges – they are currently serving 20 to life – and sprayed my walking boots with something that will no doubt make my hair fall out or turn me orange like David Platt. Oh my God it’s already happening! If you go on this island where there might be kiwis – a flightless, nocturnal bird that no-one has ever seen – you should check your shoes for seed, soil, hidden marsupials or rodents. The New Zealand lady told me that some people had even ‘got pissed ‘on the island. I was just trying to figure out the relevance of this to bio-security when she ‘and not just cats and dogs’. She had of course meant ‘pests’ – those accents again!

Back on dry land, I head off to the Parnell saltwater baths. After my errors about the Bobby Charlton baths in Sydney I check the ‘gay’ section of my Lonely Planet guide. Rather discouragingly Auckland is nicknamed ‘Queen City’ and has the country’s biggest gay population – not difficult seeing as there is no-one anywhere else in New Zealand. Encouragingly there is no mention of the Parnell Baths in this section. A half hour walk sees me there. My heart stops when I see marked out lanes and the usual ‘Fast, Medium, Slow and Not You Mate’ signs. The staff at reception are interested to know if we have outside pools in the UK. Of course we do I reply puffing my chest out and looking hard. And we swim in the North Sea too I add (missing out the bit about only when ferries sink). They say the water temperature is 16C. Like a bath to me I brag. When I get in it is freezing! But I have a lane to myself and can just about make out the far end 50 metres away – no ‘poncy’ baths here! In the lanes beside me I think there are dolphins swimming until I realise it is the ‘serious’ squad in wet suits. They leave me alone though and I have my relaxing half hour. At the end I dip in the Jacuzzi which is a none too friendly 40C! I nearly end up scalded!

Walking back through the town I decide to visit one of the ‘treats’ from the earlier trip, and at the same time break one of my golden rules which is not to go into Irish Theme pubs. I had spotted O’Connor’s Irish Bar on my walk and had been attracted by the menu. I ordered a Guinness, which in fact was very nice, then Beef and Guinness Pie, again very nice. The bar staff were very interested in my view of NZ so far – I lied! Two musicians in the corner struck up some tunes and the ambience was improved by this. The one song that sticks is below – well what I can remember of it.

‘I don’t care if it rains or freezes, as long as I have my plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
I don’t give up and I ain’t wary, as long as I have my plastic Mary
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
And when I go a fornicatin’, I bring along ceramic Satan
And sit him on the dashboard of my car.’

Everyone except the Mormons in the corner applauded this one. As I left they were launching into Neil Young’s ‘Heart of Gold’ and I was for a split second tempted to stay until I did the maths ie more Guinness = very drunk = may even end up thinking Auckland is ok!

Monday 16th November Paihia – the Bay of Islands

‘Goodbyee! Goodbyee! Wipe a tear baby dear from your eye!
Though it’s hard to face I know, I’ll be tickled to death to go!
Don’t sighee! Don’t cryee! There’s a silver lining in the skyee!
Bonsoir old thing! Cheerio, Chin, Chin. Na poo! Toodle ooh! Goodbyee!’
I think I have left Auckland behind when I go to pick up my hire car from the airport only to take a wrong turning on the way North and ending up wending my way through the suburbs to find the right route. I eventually find Route 1 and head North. I am heading for the Bay of Islands which is a three to four hour drive. I want to be in Paihia before the Tourist Information shop shuts which I think will be about 5pm. Amazingly it does not take too long to leave the built up areas behind and the road winds through scenery that is a mixture of The Lakes, Derbyshire and Scotland – the latter the further North I go. I know that the South Island scenery will be a step up from this – see Lord of the Rings – but it is still pretty impressive. No signs by the road to look out for animals to road kill as curiously New Zealand does not have any indigenous mammals – they had not developed before NZ ‘cast off’ from other lands or emerged volcanically from the sea, whichever it was. Plenty of birds – lots of flightless ones as no predators…until humans arrived. There was a huge flightless bird called a ‘moa’ that stood 3.5 metres tall and weighed in at 200kg. Thus it was easily seen and too fat to run away – thank you very much said the early settler chefs…that is until they killed them all off! Good job that thing is not still around to wobble out of the bushes and stagger in front of my car! I see the odd bit of flying road kill, and one thing that could have been a kiwi, but on the other hand it might not have been. Lots of green! Trees, fields, meadows, forests. Lots and lots of green!

I have told you before about ‘road trip madness’ and it soon settles in. A sign for ‘wandering stock’ has me launching into ‘I was born under a wandering star’ from Paint Your Waggon. I perform the scene from Dirty Dancing where ‘Baby’ and her father fall out. ‘I’m sorry I let you down, Daddy! But you let me down too! Whaaah!’ Why that one I don’t know but it amused me to do it. Would it be possible for someone reading this to send help for me – preferably some doctors in white coats. You can find me somewhere on the road to madness, NZ. At some traffic lights the sticker on the car in front invites me to ‘Take it out and play with it’. I am not sure what the driver has in his/her boot so decide to pass on this one. At the service station where you have to pay your road toll, I pay my two dollars and I also realise at the same time that it is no wonder the concierge at the hotel thought I was wonderful as I gave him tips in two dollar lots thinking they were one dollar! This is because Aussie and Kiwi coins are the exact opposite!

Now back to the lack of mammals. It is weird having come from Australia where there are creatures of all sorts to do nasty things to you to a land where you would have to work hard to get pecked to death! But there are stingy things etc to watch out for. I will keep an eye out for the mouse-sized giant ‘weta’ which is a ferocious looking scavenging insect! What, a cockroach the size of a mouse! There were bats, but they made good kebabs. The kiwi is not just good at hiding but does not taste very nice. The Maori would have brought domestic fowls and pigs etc but favourites are something called ‘mutton bird’ which tastes like fish, and ‘puha’ which is tastes like it sounds and is prickly sow thistle! Not for me thanks. So the Europeans stayed with what they knew best – meat and two veg! They brought cattle, sheep, horses, goats, deer, rabbits, dogs and cats. If you could eat it they brought it. You may think that NZ’s top export would be sheep things and butter but nope! It’s onions! But sheep are big in the national psyche, so much so that they have ‘sheep shows’ with performing sheep for the tourists – but not this tourist. As usual when you introduce an ‘alien’ species it does not always go to plan ( see OZ with its pig and rabbit problems). In NZ it’s possums that are pissed…..sorry, pests….that accent again! And it has to be the Australian Brush-Tailed Possum - now 70 million strong – and munching their way through NZ’s best and most colourful trees and shrubs.

After a couple of hours I reach Whangerei, which is Maori for ‘domestic violence’ (see Maori glossary). I stop to find a toilet. I see a rather quality looking wooden building by the marina and see a woman go in it. When she emerges some moments later I ask her if this is the toilet. I think she can just about see me down her nose! ‘Oh, no’ she replies, ‘this is only for the use of people in the marina.’ And to emphasise this she adds,’ and you have to have a key.’ Got me there then. I ask her if she know where the public toilets are. ‘Public toilets? ‘she responds in a Lady Bracknell voice. ‘ No, I’m afraid I don’t know where the public toilets are!’ I give this anecdote in contrast to helpful taxi drivers! One toilet visit later, I check my map and see that Whangerai Falls are on my route and noted to be the ‘most photogenic in NZ’. They have a number of advantages over the waterfalls I have visited in Australia. Firstly, they are easy to find – no risky 4wd journeys. Secondly they have water in them. Now call me Mr Picky, but water in a waterfall is important. Jim Jim Falls and Twin Falls may be spectacular but to see them in their glory you have to either have wings or be prepared to spend a number of months croc dodging while you walk there! Whangeria Falls are lovely and lots of photos taken.
I reach Paihai just before 6pm and the Information Booth is still open. Helpful Katherine books me on an all-day cruise to the islands with dolphin watching guaranteed and directs me to a good day drive for Wednesday. My hotel overlooks the bay and my room has a bay view! Yaaay! When I open the shutters in my room, the view is not just picture-book, it is picture-picture book! I find myself saying out loud – ‘Well, hit me with a stick and call me Henry!’ Why – who knows? It is laundry time again and as a seasoned traveller I muscle my way past some hesitant women and grab a machine in the guests’ laundry. While this is doing I sample the pool. It is empty and cool, and I spend half an hour amusing myself swimming under the false waterfall watched by bemused guests on their balconies. A well-timed return to the laundry room gets me a drier, much to the chagrin of other guests whose timing is not so good. I read my book while I wait then, laundry done for another week, set off to photograph some stunning sunsets. All in all a good day.

Tuesday 17th November Bay of Islands

The Bay of Islands trip promised lots of islands – there are 144 in the bay – a stroll round one of them at lunchtime, and possibly, possibly dolphins, whales, killer whales, seals and lots of seabirds. The trouble with wildlife is that it won’t come to order. However, fear not good sir! We had only been going about 15 minutes when the skipper suddenly announced he was changing course as some of the other boats in the bay had found a school of dolphins. Within five minutes we were there and the ‘experts’ on board estimated the size of the group at between forty and fifty adults, some with young. In order to even sail near dolphins you have to have a permit from the NZ Conservation folk. The boat I was on had the permit that allows you to swim with the dolphins under certain conditions. Two of the no-nos are if the group is feeding – it was – and if there are young present –there were- so no swimming allowed. Watching them was enough though. Sometimes we were following them and sometimes they were following us. At all times I think they had the upper hand! They were behind the boat, right next to it, under it, in front of it. We stayed a good 20 minutes just watching and snapping. These were bottle-nosed dolphins and so had a distinctive short beak. As we moved off and the skipper revved up the engines a group decided to leap and dash in and out of the bow wave and followed us for a good few minutes before they decided they had had enough fun. I am not sure if these are the ones getting caught in Japanese tuna nets, but ti makes you think! Fabulous!
It wasn’t quite downhill from there but apart from two NZ fur seals and lots of seabirds that was it for wildlife. Still, we felt we had got most of our money’s worth. The skipper diverted on a number of occasions if he or anyone else saw seabird activity as this is a good signal of whales and/or dolphins feeding. But it was only seabirds feeding. Only, I say when it was gannets and petrels and terns and shearwaters. Not an everyday sight for me in the UK! We went right out to the edge of the Bay where it does get quite rough, and made our way through the spectacular ‘Hole in the Rock’ – that was a bit scary! But it would not be the Pacific if ‘Cooky’ had not stuck his oar in somewhere. On seeing the ‘Hole in the Rock’ from the sea he declared it looked as if someone had shot a cannon ball straight though it. What a card he was! We stopped for lunch at Otehei Bay, the former home of US author Zane Grey – don’t worry if you have never heard of him, as he wrote fairly crabby westerns but made millions from it! We had an hour so I walked to the top of the nearest hill and sat there for my lunch. I had a 360 degree view of the surrounding bays and islands. It was very relaxing. On the way back we called at Russell to drop off some folk. Russell ( pop 1140) is former whaling station and in the past was known as the ‘hell hole of the Pacific’. Every vagabond, sailor and no-good for miles came there for R+R. At any one time there could be up to 70 whaling ships in its harbour. Its inns, pubs and brothels have long gone. The whales they hunted are nearly all gone – what killed the trade ironically was synthetic oils. When Charles Darwin visited it in 1835 he described it as full of ‘the refuse of society’. Nowadays it is a ‘select’ residential area. How times change.

As we pass a diving boat on our way round the Bay, the skipper comments that there are two wrecks sunk in the Bay which divers can visit. My ears prick up when he says one of them is the wreck of the Rainbow Warrior. For the uninitiated, the Rainbow Warrior was owned by Greenpeace, and in July 1985 it was in Auckland Harbour preparing to a sail to protest against the French nuclear tests at Mururoa Atoll near Tahiti. The French decided they did not want this to happen so they sent a team of secret service agents to blow up the ship in the harbour. Number one – this was tantamount to a terrorist attack on the soil of another sovereign nation. Number two – the explosion killed a crew-member who had remained on board on the night it was attacked. Number three – the French argued they had a right to do this when the men were caught; up to then they had denied it! They even tried to claim diplomatic immunity for the attackers! Ok, so James Bond isn’t real, but someone had been murdered here! The New Zealand Government and people went nuts! Two men were captured, put on trial and found guilty. The French Government (and people – don’t ya just love em?) went nuts too, as they thought this was unfair and boycotted NZ goods. They put so much pressure on NZ that eventually NZ caved in and sent the ‘guilty’ men to a sort of prison holiday camp on a French Pacific Island. Merde alors! Tomorrow I will pass Perengarenga harbour where the agents landed and set off in a camper van pretending to be tourists. If it wasn’t so serious it would be farcical! Vive la France!

Back on land I go to the hotel pool and once again have the water to myself. A couple of ‘wusses’ come and dip their toes in the pool then go off muttering. They pay no attention to me. They must think I am a seal. A while later I take a walk in the hotel grounds, which are located right next to the sacred grounds upon which the Treaty of Waitangi was signed in 1840. You will have learned by now that the words ‘native’ and ‘treaty’ do not sit together easily, and they usually mean a pretty bad deal for the natives (c/f purchase of Manhattan for a few beads and a copy of the TV Times). The Treaty of Waitangi did try to be different. It is hailed as the moment that New Zealand became a nation as it became a nominal British colony. The problem is as always one of interpretation. There is no doubt that a number of significant Maori chiefs signed the Treaty, along with Governor Hobson. But each side thought they were signing something different. The British thought they were getting the Maoris to sign over sovereign rights to the land. The Maoris thought they were signing up for a whale and dolphin watching trip round the Bay of Islands in Hobson’s warship anchored off the coast. In any case it wasn’t long before each side was accusing the other of reneging on the terms of the Treaty and wars broke out – lots of them, for a long time, and in the end the Maoris lost….surprise, surprise. But not before Hobson had ‘purchased’ 3000 acres of land upon which to found Auckland – taking advantage of the Maori chief’s offer of ‘take some land, take some free’ – and called it after the Earl of Auckland, whoever he was! The actual spot where the Treaty was signed is very impressive as is the 30 metre long Maori war canoe next to the Treaty House. I had to look at this twice as the sign said ‘Waca’ and the canoe was up on wooden blocks, with what looked like tireless bogie wheels below. It was only when I read that ‘waca’ means war canoe that I stopped looking for Scousers. Birds sing in the trees, the waves lap the shore, the sun sets over picturesque mountains and islands. The view is well worth the two cabbages and the one –legged chicken it took to buy it!

Wednesday 18th November Cape Reinga ( and back!)

La la, Tralee! Trala Tralee! I’m in love! I’m in love! I’m in love! I have just got back from a 400+ km return journey to New Zealand’s northernmost point – Cape Reinga. I was exhausted, nearly ran out of petrol, so by the time I got back I needed a shower. And that’s why I’m in love! This is the bestest, most relaxing, most wonderful shower I have ever had – well it was cause I could not be doing this and still be in the shower. Lead on MacDuff!

Cape Reinga is at the top of a 104km peninsula which starts about 100km from Bay of Islands so it was always going to be a full day. Petrol story later, but I did starts with a full tank as I had read that the northernmost petrol station at Waitiki Landing often runs out of petrol! Lunch, lots of drink, warm and all-weather clothing; pretty much prepared for anything which was a good job as I had not gone more than a few kms and it started tipping if down. Ok, I said to myself, let’s be reasonable. NZ is like it is – green, foresty etc precisely because it rains a lot. Usually 7 days a month on average in the summer, and more like 16 in the winter. So it can be wet. Once out of Paihai, the scenery moved quickly from the rolling hills of Derbyshire to glens and lochs of Scotland to rugged Yorkshire moors – hey up, Heathcliffe! – back to Scotland again, but this time the hills and dunes of the North coast. Plenty of variety for the journey – if only it would stop raining – which it eventually did when I reached the top!

At the bottom of the peninsula is Doubtless Bay. I mention this because the naming of this bay does not rank in the top ten things done by our old friend Captain Cook. He may have been one of history’s most travelled men, and his map drawing skills are legendary, but when he writes in his journal that what he sees in front of him is ‘doubtless a bay’ you can be forgiven for thinking ‘No shit, Sherlock!’ Other entries include the wonderful observation that ‘this creature remindeth me of a goat’ when it was in fact a goat that he and his crew had left on an island to help feed shipwrecked mariners; and ‘forsooth, methinks I saw a feathered creature in my hand’ when he was looking at his quill! He had been at sea a long time! More of ‘Cooky’ later.

The Maoris colonised NZ from the North, and their first landings were in the area of Cape Reinga, which they called Te Rerenga Wairua, which means ‘Where the heck have we landed?’ They quickly moved southwards and this Northern peninsula is one of the biggest concentrations of Maori speakers in NZ. It also has the biggest concentration of Croatian speakers on NZ. This is because when the Croats arrived at the end of the 19thC looking for work, they were ostracised by the ‘white’ New Zealanders but found the Maori more welcoming, so much so that there has been a serious amount of intermarrying. The odd place name pops up too. A couple of other odd place names that caught my eye as I passed were Salvation Road and Cemetery Road. Not only were these right next to each other but each of them also had an additional sign which said ‘No Exit’!

To reach Cape Reinga you have to travel on the only road that goes North, but this runs out 21kms from the Cape. The NZ road people are tarmacing it but are only part way through the project, so quite a lot of road-works and half finished roads to negotiate. Once there, there is a substantial car park, a toilet, an old lighthouse and that’s it! But you have to say WOW to the Cape itself. It sits at the point where the Tasman Sea and the Pacific Ocean meet. You can see the physical clash of the waters in the surf and spray and the occasional whirlpool. It is a site that takes your breath. All this from towering, windswept cliffs. I don’t know what it is about coming to the recognised ‘end’ of the land - c/f Land’s End in the UK – but I always feel it is a sort of spiritual moment, timeless. I just want to look, and to ‘feel’ the moment. Cape Reinga is a spiritual place for the Maori too as they say it is the jumping off point for souls of those who have died. They also see the clash of the waters as between the male Pacific Ocean and the female Tasman Sea in a dance of creation through the whirlpools. I stood and watched and thought and climbed and sat down for quite a while, then headed for the ‘Giant Sand Dunes of Kilamanjaro’ – actually Te Paki Reserve. The sand dunes are really as big as they say – in fact bigger! Climbing them is like going up the last bit of Everest. I was following a German guy who was determined to get his towel on the top, but these dunes are so steep we both had to crawl some of the way on our hands and knees. We were rewarded at the top by a 60mph sand blast that nearly took our skin off! I think I saw the ocean, but even though I had glasses on I had to shut my eyes quickly so as to avoid being blinded! We both scuttled down quickly after that, and in doing so passed Mallory’s 1922 Everest expedition which had clearly taken a wrong turn. In the car park when I got back I amused myself by making sandcastles out of what was in my shoes and socks. The sand was everywhere – and Mary I mean everywhere! I then used what must go on record as the worst toilets I have come across yet! I cannot find words to describe them. Suffice it to say that men are not usually picky! Also in the car park was a stall trying to persuade people to ‘sand surf’ down the dunes. The brochure pictures show happy campers steaming down the dunes. All I can say is that they must have taken these people up by winch or helicopter for them to have any strength left to get on the board never mind ‘surf’ down on it! The stall had no customers whilst I was there.

The road to Cape Reinga more or less goes up the eastern side of the isthmus. It is 104kms long. Down the western side is a beach – which is 90km long! Called – rather oddly – 90 mile beach, you can drive the whole length of it provided you are a) mad and b) properly insured. Unfortunately hire vehicles are prohibited from the beach as they are not covered by the correct insurance. Tour coaches, strangely, are. But more of that in a minute. At the sand dune car park there is a notice that more or less says that death will come to all who dare to pass this notice. At a point where I visited the beach some 45kms south the notice said ‘Enjoy your drive on the beach’. This is because there is a section of the northern beach that at certain times of the day – coinciding with tides – becomes quicksand. Cars and people have come to grief there. I find myself wishing I had a 4WD instead of the tin can I am driving! In fact if someone can invent a car that can be a 4WD, a sports car and a straightforward saloon all in one – this would be the perfect car to drive in OZ and NZ! The coach brochure for Cape Reinga encourages the passengers to ‘feel the sand between your toes as you help your driver dig the coach out of the quicksand in a fun race against the rising tide!’

I did drive on Ninety Mile Beach for a short while – about five minutes – following a camper van on the assumption that they would hit the quicksand first! Just to say I’d done it! On the way back to Bay of Islands I (wrongly) chose the scenic inland route, which did take me through some spectacular gorge scenery reminiscent of what I should have seen at the Blue Mountains, but which unfortunately took me well away from any settlements that had petrol stations. I should have had enough to get me back – full tank, 400kms, should be plenty. But then I started to lose confidence in the petrol gauge, remembering that when I had it filled up the previous night the attendant had made some comment about it ‘filling quickly’. Settlement after settlement, no garage, and the needled flickering at just above empty – that light going on and off annoyingly. I won’t drag this out. I did get to Kawakawa on time. The tank slurped the petrol up. It takes 40 litres. I put 39.4 into it!

Now, back to Captain Cook. He is beginning to irritate me. He just keeps popping up everywhere. He only passed by Cape Reinga, but he gets a mention. In fact two other explorers get a mention – Abel Tasman and a Frenchman called de Surville who left his name on some cliffs , opened a bistro, then disappeared. Apparently Tasman and de Surville sailed past the Cape and each other without noticing! Tasman played a 17thC version of monopoly, collecting bits of land as he went past without actually landing there. He named a bit of the Cape after Maria Van Dieman wife of his sponsor. He named all of Tasmania after him! Startrek ‘trekkies’ may have already spotted this but I am only just catching on to the links between Captain Cook and Captain Kirk. Remember Kirk’s mission ‘ to boldly go where no man has been before’. That is Cook is it not? Both called James! Both Captains of their ships – one called Endeavour the other Enterprise – you don’t need a Thesaurus to link those. Both had crew members that didn’t survive very long. And the surgeon on the Endeavour was called ‘Bones’ because he had sawn off half the crew’s legs. Keep an eye on this one.

Finally for this entry, there are so many Maori connexions in this area, you will probably need a little help with Maori names and sayings. Below is a glossary for you to keep by for future entries.

Helpful Maori glossary

Awa Move on please!
Haka Novice golfer
Iwi Where’s the loo??
Kaiwaka Locksmith with mixed Maori and Liverpudlian origins
Kawakawa Shall I fetch the milking beasts, father?
Kumara Another day, thanks
Pa Elderly relative
Parahaka Army novice golfer
Pounamu I have just stepped in a cow pat
Puhoi Raised latrine area
Pukaki Military clothing does not suit you
Pupuke Stand well clear, and mind the doors!
Tangata I will join you in the sunshine
Taonga Licking device
Tapu Yes, I need the toilet urgently
Tapuna I really meant it when I said I need the toilet now!
Tekapo Bring your own toilet device
Wai Pardon?
Waitangi Remain here for the moment, Angela
Waiata What a ridiculous head-dress!
Waiomio Do you have to leave the party so soon?
Whangerai Maori domestic violence
Whare Kai I am locked out of my dwelling
Whare manuhiri Will the locksmith be here soon?
Whare runanga I am getting annoyed he is not coming quickly!
Can someone fetch him?
Whenua We will be there simultaneously